No, there is actually quite a bit of crying going on in academia right now.
I have been a student for so long, you would think I would be ready every semester for this part. But I’m still having a total freakout over my final paper.
One of the biggest parts of my job is teaching people how to do research. I get up there and teach them all about getting started, evaluating their sources, modifying their topic to either make it broader or more specific. I stand there like an expert. But… what’s funny is that right now I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing.
The class is The Philosophy of Education. My paper has been through several different topics. I have scrapped ideas and started over so many times. And I feel like I’m staring at 6 pages of absolute crap.
I’m talking existential crisis inducing, “what made you think you could get a doctorate or have an original thought” kinds of crap.
It may not be so bad. But I just feel like it lacks focus. I’ve regurgitated facts. But now I don’t know what to do.
Part of it is the fact that I just don’t have the uninterrupted time I need. I get started and every 5 minutes, some child that once resided in my uterus asks me for something. Writing needs momentum. You need time to build, to get in the zone. I have never been in the zone with this one. My personal life has just been too much.
There have been issues. I think getting a doctorate with a full time job and 3 small children is probably enough of an issue. But I’m really thinking, “Can I do this?”
I tried getting a Ph D once before, when I didn’t have kids. I couldn’t – didn’t- finish. What makes me think I can do it now, with 3?
What happens when I take Applied Statistics I in the Summer? Will I fail? I’ve given up working out, meal prep, and any dreams of competing in figure for the time being. My house is a mess but I can’t worry about it right now.
I guess my answer is this: Do the best I can, try not to feel like a fraud, and deal with one thing at a time.