There’s no crying in academia… oh wait…

No, there is actually quite a bit of crying going on in academia right now.



I have been a student for so long, you would think I would be ready every semester for this part. But I’m still having a total freakout over my final paper.

One of the biggest parts of my job is teaching people how to do research. I get up there and teach them all about getting started, evaluating their sources, modifying their topic to either make it broader or more specific. I stand there like an expert. But… what’s funny is that right now I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing.

The class is The Philosophy of Education. My paper has been through several different topics. I have scrapped ideas and started over so many times. And I feel like I’m staring at 6 pages of absolute crap.

I’m talking existential crisis inducing, “what made you think you could get a doctorate or have an original thought” kinds of crap.

It may not be so bad. But I just feel like it lacks focus. I’ve regurgitated facts. But now I don’t know what to do.

Part of it is the fact that I just don’t have the uninterrupted time I need. I get started and every 5 minutes, some child that once resided in my uterus asks me for something. Writing needs momentum. You need time to build, to get in the zone. I have never been in the zone with this one. My personal life has just been too much.

There have been issues. I think getting a doctorate with a full time job and 3 small children is probably enough of an issue. But I’m really thinking, “Can I do this?”

I tried getting a Ph D once before, when I didn’t have kids. I couldn’t – didn’t- finish.  What makes me think I can do it now, with 3?

What happens when I take Applied Statistics I in the Summer? Will I fail? I’ve given up working out, meal prep, and any dreams of competing in figure for the time being. My house is a mess but I can’t worry about it right now.

I guess my answer is this: Do the best I can, try not to feel like a fraud, and deal with one thing at a time.


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